Living above/below the line

Last week I led a workshop on “Developing Emotional Intelligence” for a group of senior leaders in a real estate sector. I love the short video they created from the event for Linkedin.  What struck the chord most with the group was the concept of being ABOVE / BELOW the line that originally comes from the Conscious Leadership group, which is why I decided to focus this newsletter on subjects of setting goals and how managing our emotions influence our ability to achieve them. 

Thank you for being part of my journey. I hope you will enjoy the read and never hesitate to reach out to share your thoughts, explore collaboration or to simply start a conversation. 

This bi-weekly insight shares leadership insights, strategies and actionable tips to help you to master those moments that define your career and your life. 

SMART Goals, Vision boards, DREAM Goals

What is the difference and why does it even matter?

In my work with leaders - whether 1:1 or within the context of an organization, we always start with a question: What is it that you are trying to achieve?

It might feel counterintuitive to set the goal before clearing the ‘playground’, but from experience, I’ve seen that the journey becomes more powerful when we are clear on the direction first.

Recently, one of my clients said: “I need to believe that I am not being dreamy.” This was in response to realizing her ambition, purpose, and impact after six months of working together.

→ Can we be too dreamy? I don’t think so.

The only difference is the answer to the question:

What are you willing to invest in the process?

→ SMART Goals are usually safe. The investment is moderate.
→ Long-term Vision sits in the middle of the scale, balancing practicality with ambition.
→ Dream Goals, on the other hand, feel bold, out of reach, perhaps even scary, but exciting. Not following the script.

They require an investment from us that is:

→ Not easy to explain to others

→ Does not follow the script

→ Is out of the ordinary

But - we can’t achieve dreams by doing ordinary work.

That’s my take on the three levels of goals. The question to answer is: 

Am I willing to put in the extraordinary effort and way of being in order to achieve the extraordinary goal?

99% won’t—and 1% will. The mistake I see is that those on the path of the 1% sometimes look at the mindsets, lifestyles, and patterns of the 99% and feel inadequate.

My advice is always: If you go for the 1%, the only group of people you should look at are those who live, do, and breathe the 1%.

Above the Line vs. Below the Line: The Deeper Dive

Last week, I introduced the Above/Below the Line concept from Conscious Leadership. This concept serves as a powerful lens through which leaders can examine their behaviors, mindset, and emotional responses, especially when facing challenges. 

Here’s why this matters so much when trying to achieve your goals:

In my coaching practice, leaders consistently face moments of vulnerability, uncertainty, and self-doubt. These feelings are natural when setting high-stakes, Dream Goals. 

The key question becomes: 

What mindset will I adopt to navigate these moments? 

The Above the Line mindset is one of openness, curiosity, and responsibility, while the Below the Line mindset is reactive, defensive, and focused on being right or protecting oneself.

What is Below the Line?

Operating below the line is often a reflexive reaction to perceived threats, whether physical, psychological, or emotional. This state is driven by the ego’s need for survival, and often manifests in behaviors like defensiveness, blame, and rationalization.

Here are a few concrete examples:

1/ - Defensiveness: When a leader feels criticized or questioned about their decisions, they might react by dismissing feedback or blaming others instead of considering the validity of the input. “It’s not my fault.”

2/ - Avoiding Responsibility: When things go wrong, a leader might shift blame or look for external factors that justify failure. “I didn’t have the resources I needed.”

3/ - Closed-mindedness: A leader might believe that only their perspective is correct, which can lead to missing key insights from others. “I know the solution already. There's no need to explore further.” 

In these scenarios, the leader is trapped in survival mode, acting from fear and protecting their ego. This limits their ability to grow, collaborate, and innovate, which are essential traits for achieving extraordinary goals. 

What is Above the Line?

In contrast, Above the Line thinking and behavior are rooted in openness, curiosity, and responsibility. When operating above the line, leaders take ownership of their actions, remain open to feedback, and are genuinely curious about finding solutions, whether they are easy or hard to hear.

Leaders above the line feel secure enough to be wrong and see mistakes as opportunities for growth.

Concrete examples of Above the Line behavior:

1/ - Openness: A leader receives feedback without becoming defensive. Instead of reacting emotionally, they ask questions to better understand the perspective and grow from it. “What can I learn from this?”

2/ - Curiosity: When faced with a challenge, the leader refrains from jumping to conclusions. Instead, they dig deeper, ask clarifying questions, and remain open to new ideas. “What else might be going on here that I am not seeing?”

3/ - Responsibility: Leaders who are above the line don’t shirk accountability. They ask themselves what role they played in the situation and what they can do differently. “What can I contribute to make this better?”

Shifting Between the Lines

Recognizing that you are below the line is the first step in shifting your mindset. However, this isn’t a one-time shift, it’s a continuous process. The real power of Above the Line thinking comes from being aware of when you’ve shifted back below the line and choosing to come back to a place of openness and curiosity. 

Here are a few questions that can help you shift back to Above the Line:

1/ - Am I reacting out of fear or defensiveness?
This question can help you recognize if you’re stuck in a survival mode that limits your effectiveness. Instead, focus on the learning opportunity that the situation presents.

2/ - What responsibility can I take in this situation?
This shifts your focus from external blame to internal agency. Ownership is the key to stepping into empowerment.

3/ - What can I learn from this moment?
This question fosters a growth mindset, helping you remain open and curious. 

4/ - How can I approach this with curiosity, rather than certainty?
By questioning your assumptions and staying open to new insights, you can more effectively lead and innovate. 

These simple shifts in thinking, grounded in emotional intelligence, can drastically improve your leadership effectiveness.

 97% of people can readily identify a career-limiting habit they have. Only 10% can do something about it. 

Joseph Grenny, author of Crucial Conversations, talks about a three-step method to develop new habits that support emotional intelligence and shifting behaviors. His research shows that 97% of people can readily identify a career-limiting habit they have. However, fewer than 10% are able to do something about it.  

Again - extra-ordinary goals require out of ordinary effort. 

How to be among the 10% who do? 

These steps include:

1/ - Identify Crucial Moments: As J. Grenny says: “ The way to make progress is to identify the nature of the moments that provoke these ineffective responses. Pay attention to the times, places, social circumstances, moods, physiological states, or risk perceptions that incite you to act in ways that lead to bad results. These are your crucial moments.” 

2/ - Design Deliberate Practice : This is term adopted by Swedish psychologist Anders Ericsson. In Immunity to Change framework that I use in my work with clients, we talk about creating safe experiments to test assumptions. Psychologist Albert Bandura speaks about guided mastery. No matter the term - the action is clear. Identify moderately challenging situations where you can practice the target skill or test your behavior in relation to your perception.

3/ - Develop Emotional Competence: Seek ways to make the unpleasant pleasant. In my work I always advice my clients to incorporate the new habit, practice into their lives as seamlessly as possible. Reduce the friction. Make it simple. Set reminders. 

My Personal Example 

When I went through my own career change, where I had to rewire my brain 180 degrees and think completely differently from what I had been used to my entire life, I had reminders plastered all around my walls: 

“You can,” “Stay curious,” “Create opportunity,” “Take a step back,” “Breathe.” 

Never underestimate the impact of the actions you take in micro-moments. It is not the BIG decisions that create meaningful life changes, those big decisions kick off the SHIFT. What truly determines our success or failure in the long run are the micro-decisions, the behaviors in small moments, our responses to everyday triggers, and our ability to shift out of them. 

By following these steps, you can start building new habits that move you toward being the kind of leader who is not only successful but also emotionally intelligent and conscious of the impact you have on others. Grenny's method aligns perfectly with the Above/Below the Line framework, providing you with concrete steps to make lasting changes.

Read the HRB Article here. 

My invitation  - don't give up on your goals just because they feel ‘dreamy’ or ‘scary’, instead ask yourself 

"Am I willing to put in the extraordinary effort and way of being in order to achieve my dream goal?"